Boobs Please!

Posted on Sep 2, 2010

#1 Cheerleader Camp

Directed By: Mark Quod

Review Written By: Horse
Mondo Film & Video Guide Contributor
IMDb.com Link

Quite possibly the dumbest title I’ve seen in a while, I first mixed this up with Cheerleader Massacre, and then the ‘87 horror flick, Cheerleader Camp. The cover looks like a National Lampoon or Bring it On rip-off, with maybe some American Pie thrown in (these are mentioned on the back). Like American Pie (for me at least), this just came out of nowhere and ended up being funny and fun. Gonna be a tough sell with that title though, it’s making me not want to even watch it. So let me start with some other titles I feel would’ve better conveyed the film, and may boost sales if re-issued as:

National Lampoontang’s Cheerleader Camp – maybe a lawsuit, probably not.
American Watermelon
Adventures of Andy: Watermelon Fucker
Cheerleader Strippers
Stripper Cheerleaders
The Stroker and the Geek
It’s Already Been Broughten On, Again!

I’m over the title now and spinning the disc, again. I watched it yesterday, but I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This is the kind of film Asylum needs to be making! My main issue with them is bad CGI, so take that away, and sometimes you’re left with goodness. From the opening frames I knew this was going to be better than average Asylum. The opening is everything “The Man Show” ever wanted to be. They had girls on trampolines; this has topless girls, with large natural breasts on trampolines! Great start! Take all that horrid CGI money and spend it on fine girls to get naked! Brilliant!

“Ladies, this isn’t some pillow-fighting slumber sleep-away camp for sexually frustrated women” screams the instructor, and we meet our heroes, while not necessarily my heroes. Mike is the new guy that everyone will soon think is gay, and Andy, who has some interesting diet ideas. He has the “masturbation diet”, and a box of sex toys he calls “his dietary aids”. “It’s the first diet I’ve been able to stick to, and I’ve tried ‘em all! Every time you spooge, you burn like, 100 calories, so all you have to do is keep your number of spooge sessions over the number of calories.” Sounds great, but unfortunately, I’ve tried this and it doesn’t really work. Can’t say I’ve tried his watermelon thing, sounds wrong and more a nod to the pie in American Pie.

Three squads are at this camp: the friendly Beavers, the Squirrels and the evil Cheetahs. The Cheetahs steal some members of the other squads, which gives our heroes a great idea; get more cheerleaders from the tittie-bar! What follows is far from original or new, the villains are dastardly (making the strippers work days so they can’t practice) and the misunderstandings are humorous. The good guys ultimately regroup, Andy gets to 11 one day and the day is saved. But, this film stays fun with just the right amount of gratuitous nudity and toilet humor. It’s not quite the raunchy humor of Zack and Mira or Knocked Up, but it’s in the ballpark. Lots of gay jokes, but nothing to offend those who claim Hostel is homophobic because they use the “f” word.

Then there are the girls. No one I know (I guess I should know Charlene Tilton from Dallas, but fuck if I do), but some of the girls here give a pre-boob job Teri Weigel (from Cheerleader Camp ‘87, but a freakish horror show of bad surgery now) a serious run for her money. Most are natural in the chest, which to me is the only way. I love titties, but I hate bad boob jobs and the fact that most girls have fake ones now. Until the strippers show up, everyone we see is God-made. Hey, casting that makes sense too? Is this really Asylum? Plus, while many were stereotypes, no one was horrible or too unbelievable.

This has a real “National Lampoon” feel to it, even the way the cover is laid out looks like NL. It also reminds me of the silly sex-comedies of yore, the ones we all grew up with. Maybe I had my expectations set too low and am giving this too much credit, but I had a blast and wasn’t even high when I first watched it. Second viewing after a few tokes is still funny. Your individual experience may vary. I am going to give this one the highest honor possible for me; I’m going to keep it! Surely an Asylum flick in my collection is a sign of the apocalypse, and all that 2012 shit is sounding more and more likely. So check this out before the world ends, and go out with a smile and a boner!

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