Not Coming To A Theater Near You – April 2011

Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park (1978)

Directed By: Gordon Hessler

Written By: Matt Sanborn
Mondo Film & Video Guide Feature Contributor
IMDb.com Link

Before anything, allow me to state that I am well aware that this movie never came to any theatre, because it was a made-for-TV movie, which were all the rage during the 1970s and early Eighties.  The year was 1978 and I was in the third grade.  Even then the Gene Simmons lead money making machine known as KISS was in full-whore mode.  Throughout the school yard there were KISS trading cards, t-shirts, sweat shirts, purple satin jackets, magazine articles from Creem all the way down to Tiger Beat.  Why Mark Young even cut up all the pieces of Gene’s exposed face to make up a Picasso like compilation of what he looked like behind the makeup.  No other band in the world had this much merchandise, and there was a reason:

Musically, KISS was really not all that good.  (Ever heard the song “Beth?”).

They primed in a decade when true rock bands and real rock gods roamed the earth: Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, The Who, Queen, David Bowie, the Kinks, on and on… All these bands sonically pummeled their audiences with new and aggressive rock.  KISS, well Paul Stanley had a few notes, Gene could play bass okay for a beginner, and the other two were so wasted all the time it was near impossible to tell if they were any good at all.

Now don’t get me wrong, the band had its own sound, and certainly look, and was something to behold live.  Very few bands gave you the show they did live, but the range and depth of the music pretty much never got past a superficial level.  I am all for songs about sex and drugs and rock-n-roll, and that is what they provided in spades – but this was a decade of some the greatest rock bands ever, and without their makeup, they are lucky to open up for any of the major names.  Even in Detroit, a city lauded by them, Alice Cooper and certainly the MC5 were reigning supreme.

So KISS decided to become a glam-band.  Problem was there were already really good glam bands out there.  Alice Cooper had the pre-punk horror show, David Bowie was redefining what a straight rock star could do, with Mick Ronson’s amazing guitar licks blazing the way.  Queen was on the top of their reign and very few bands ever combined the sonic innovation of the Hendrix inspired Brian May, the highly underrated percussion of Roger Taylor and bassists John Deacon with the master of all that is glam – the immortal Freddie Mercury and his multi-octave voice and bombastic stage presence.  KISS was not in their league here. Plus glammers like The Sweet had gobbled up the young girls with songs like “Little Willy.”  So, thanks to “Famous Monsters of Filmland” inspired Gene Simmons, monster personas were created for each of the members, coupled with a glitzy, explosive and almost overwhelming stage show which deftly hid their lack of true musical acumen.

And man did the fans gather.  In 1977 KISS was touring away and making millions.  But there is only so much you can do with that show.  A great deal of their audience was too young to attend their concerts, and clamored to see their face-painted gods in action.

Thus was born the two-prong attack of releasing a comic book and a movie.  Not just a movie, but one kids could see right in their home.  And because it was on TV, parents would not be too worried it was inappropriate, (or they would be near marijuana smoke like at a concert!).  Remember, this was before cable, and tits and f-bombs were not everywhere on the air.

After making over $10 million in 1977, the stage was set for the next elevation.  They would reach an audience, (and money stream), that Led Zeppelin and Sabbath couldn’t have cared less about, and true glam deities Queen and Bowie were too sexually provocative to touch.  Simmons and manager Bill Aucoin had tapped into something only they could do – all that was needed for this great idea was a great script.

What followed wasn’t great…
Wasn’t good…
Wasn’t even passable as a fifth grade play…

What followed was one of the greatest rock and roll blunders ever committed.  One so bad that for the decades to follow, band members forbid it to be mentioned backstage or even in their presence. KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK.

Three days before Halloween on the NBC Saturday Night at the Movies the KISS fans huddled around their TVs in anticipation of the first great television rock epic.   Would it be on par with “Tommy” or “The Wall?”  Would it be better?  Those questions were quickly answered.

Seeing the Executive Producer’s name Joseph Barbera of the Banana Splits fame name appearing over the first shots should have been the first clue.  Filmed mostly on location in Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California, the film opens with the park attendees waiting for KISS to play their profitable and explosive show.  And right away fans received their answer to how great it the film would be. Imposed over carnival rides, Peter Criss plays invisible drums, the members are seen riding through the air in bumper cars, Gene Simmons is the size of a roller coaster, the band stands on the water of a spouting fountain all to the tune of “Rock and Roll all Night.”  All a real lot cheesier than it even sounds.

We then get to meet some of the dim witted characters of the film who are completely undeveloped, because what people really wanted were the members of the band and lots of them.  Well, at least three of them. Ace Frehley was becoming as unreliable as any true rock star could be, and quite often simply failed to show up for the shooting of the movie.

So NBC replaced him with a stuntman under the makeup.  Problem being is that the stunt man was black and Frehley is white.  Just because you put some face paint on someone doesn’t hide the fact that it is not even close to being the same person, but what did that matter, right?  In fact the two “actors” are often in the same scene switching in and out between shots in the most obvious way. Frehley didn’t stop there.  Learning lines and the such was a bit too much for the perpetually blitzed rocker.  So, to make sure he didn’t embarrass himself and the integrity of the production, he was simply told to say “Ack!” anytime he had to speak.  At times it seems this was too much for him to remember, and there is some obvious over dubbing here.

Peter Criss is also here in the flesh, but somehow just decided not to show up for the post-production, and a voice-over artist did his lines for him.  (Oddly enough Criss was pretty decent decades later in a small recurring role on the HBO prison drama “Oz”).

Sadly, the same can’t be said for Paul Stanley.  His acting is bad, but to hear this alleged superhero-like being cough out his lines with a thick Brooklyn accent is hysterical.  I guess he never thought of curbing it, or getting a speech coach, or trying to do a bit of acting.   This is sort of hidden though, since his lines are so outrageously stupid it is hard to comprehend anything anyone says.

And then there is Gene.  It is almost impossible to tell what he was thinking here.  Behind the makeup and garb he struck an imposing figure – the nightmare to all his fan’s parents.  (This was also before his shameless reality show).  Any image Gene had of an enigmatic and mystical being was completely washed away after his ludicrous and over-done performance here.  It is obvious they were trying to make him as a real life demon, but he ends up looking like a buffoon who won’t stop sticking his hairy chest out.

So after we see the band it takes almost a half an hour before they reappear in KISS fashion.  The writers decided to build some half ass plot at this point about a genius inventor named Abner Devereaux, (played by Emmy Award winning actor Anthony Zerbe), who after getting the funding to his animatronics experiments cut off decides to take it out on the park and its visitors – especially that no good KISS!  He kidnaps and mind controls a young man named Sam, whose boyfriend Melissa won’t stop bugging people, including the band, to locate her missing beau.  She even bugs Devereaux in his underground lab.  In the park is a gang of no goodniks dressed as bikers, whose ass your grandmother could whip, and are about as convincing as the monsters in the haunted house they visit.  They pop little girl’s balloons and say lines like “I’ll smoke you!”  Of course the haunted house is full of animatronics and the monsters take care of them!

Finally more than a half an hour in, without commercials, KISS arrives.  Lightning strikes and the band members fly through the air and onto the stage, all shooting some sort of power beam out of different parts of their body.  Gene is in full demon attire and breaths fire like the hell spawn he surely must be.  They rock out with “Shout it Out Loud,” with scenes cutting back and forth to the lab and concert.  After the show we see Melissa strolling around the park to some real bubble gum KISS tune.  Anyone telling me this band could do great music should listen to this stuff.  Melissa keeps being a pesky hottie, yet nothing comes of it.

Eventually she comes in contact with the band and says “Unreal!” when she is shown the four talismans that give the members their special powers.  The lighting for the scene is porn-movie red and it is here we are treated to a lot of Gene’s distorted voice.  Paul tells Melissa that everyone has a talisman, but “They just haven’t found it yet.”

We then discover Devereaux has created four KISS robots and it slides into the absolute most common writing trick of the 1970s: THE EVIL TWIN!  Most of the movie can be ignored, even the infamous poolside interview, until the band battles a group of – well let me put it this way: For all you kids of the Seventies… Remember those Halloween costumes that used to come in boxes and had a mask with an elastic that would cut into your ears and a plastic like suit?  Pretty much how they costumed these albino werewolf-like things they “fight”.  The band uses their superpowers to destroy their foes, even though the demonically strong Gene struggles to pick up an opponent who is clearly on wires.

They then go after Devereaux’s stronghold and battle more monsters.  They penetrate into the lab only to find that the animatronic members have taken to the stage and tell the crowd to riot and destroy the place.  The audience gives the thumbs down.  The real members are horrified as they are entrapped in an electric cage and see their talismans are in a box far away.  Not all is lost as they use their powers of group levitation to get hold of them, and of course there is the inevitable good KISS versus bad KISS battle.  The doubles, (Sometimes both members were doubled) are so unconvincing that it would have been better to have taken the old KISS dolls and done stop motion.  Guess what!  The real KISS wins and AGAIN they do “Rock and Roll All Night.” O yeah, then they go destroy Devereaux and save Sam. Wow.

In a 2004 interview on Eddie Trunk’s Radio Show Peter Criss said: “I really felt like it was Batman meets Robin… I mean, can you imagine John Lennon getting bitten by Dracula?  Rod Stewart wrestling Frankenstein?  You do things in life and later on you go, ‘Wow!’”  Every rock god has made mistakes.  Sabbath brought in a bunch of lame ass singers after Ozzy.  Zeppelin let Phil Collins play drums with them at Live Aid.  Queen produced “Hot Space.”  Bowie did “Jean Genie,” and some incredibly self indulgent videos.  Judas Priest went on without Rob Halford for a while.  The Who went on without Keith Moon and later John Entwistle.  Rod Stewart didn’t jump off a bridge.  But nothing comes close to “KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.”  See it if you dare.  Because certainly, it is not coming to a theatre near you!

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